Week 45: Quit Smoking

It's been said "time waits for no man"  by whom I'm not sure.

It's Chaucer, I just looked it up.  What that has to do with this week I can't really say.  But, I had to start somewhere.

This week I may be courting a bit of controversy.  The challenge is "Quit Smoking"  which was one of the original 52, and survived numerous swap outs.  Obviously, to succeed at quitting smoking one cannot claim 1 weeks success as a victory.   So this one is actually a couple months in the making.

It is also, unfortunately, not a terribly wacky or fun challenge.  But I'll do my best to make it interesting.

It all started with a trip to Dr. Downer.  You see I've been seeing Dr. Downer for my various ailments and problems for the better part of a decade.   And no matter the problem the answer is always 1 of 2 things.  "Well that's because you're too fat"  or "Well that's because you smoke".

Like this except he is an actual doctor, and not a fat sack of opportunistic crap.

 So having handled some of the weight problems, I was eager to take away his remaining defense.  Then and only then can I behead him and absorb his power.   I'm pretty sure I read that's how it works.

Dr. Downer prescribed me the very expensive Chantix pills to quit smoking.  Now I know you are all thinking, that, I took the cowards way out.  And, you are right in thinking that.  But I would also like to specify that I took the lazy way out too.

What will follow below is a breakdown of the overall process of quitting smoking.  If you've never tried it I highly recommend it, it's a great feeling of accomplishment.  Don't smoke?  Well, you could always start, and then quit, and then join me in sanctimony.

Edit:  I've been told the above advice should not be followed.

Week -884 to 0

I began smoking at 18 years of age, because the law said I could.  And I've always had trouble distinguishing between "could" and "should".  During the years that followed, I enjoyed the highs of pretending to be cool, meeting interesting people, marking friends and family with a musty scent and fine layer of ash.  

But there were downsides too,  I lived to see the world turn on me, suddenly no longer welcome in even the dingiest of bars.  I was the recipient of many a disparaging glance and look, and I came to learn of shame, and isolation.

This became all I saw from 2000 on

So finally I gave in, and as part of this grand experiment threw in the one resolution I knew I had to follow through on.

Week 1
The first week on Chantix, you are still allowed to smoke while the nasty little pill builds up in your system.  And smoke I did.  I smoked as much as possible trying to store the nicotene and sweet addictive chemicals like a camel.



Week 2

 The second week is the actual quit date.  As anyone can tell you, the actual quitting pain is only 3 or so days.  Those days are full of the anger, and hatred for everything good in the world.  Those are days where puppies and girl scouts are wise to avoid my path.  All I wanted was for something to suffer that wasn't me.

The pill itself is like powdered ulcer.  Stomach aches and nausea were common.  Plus unexpected perks like severe jaw clenching.  It wasn't just habit I was fighting my entire body was mounting an offensive against me.

A unexpected bonus though, is that the pill also brought crazy vivid dreams with it.  Beautiful colorful dreams, and horrifying nightmares that if I had any ounce of writing ability would offer me a second career.  Maybe not Stephen King level, but Dean Koontz?

Weeks 3-5
These weeks, are all about breaking the habit,  the physical aspects of addiction are gone, but the memory of smoking and the knowledge that nearly every activity in my life was somehow built around smoking made it very difficult.

I had to learn:

To drive with my windows up
To not stop at the gas station daily
To have phone conversations whenever I wanted instead of whenever I was smoking
To start smelling things again
^^ To realize just how smelly my life had gotten
To be hungry all of the goddamned time

Weeks 5 - 10
At this point, I was winning the war against smoking, learning to enjoy my nighttime forays into chaotic dreamworlds.  But I knew from past experiences, that these are the most critical weeks.  It is here where most smokers fail.  They find themselves out drinking or dealing with a small stressful event, and they think they can just smoke one.  For old times sake.

Sadly addiction is a mean unruly person.  And once he's made a home in your life, he never leaves.  Like that hippy that slept on my couch in college.  The best you can do is make him retreat, but, like that chick from The Ring, he never sleeps.  As soon as you slip up, bam, you are back to your full habit in a matter of days.

I stayed ever vigilant during this phase, and finally made it to the final.

Weeks 11 - Present
Here I am, a smoke free person.  Aside from a lingering scent in my car, I can now be a part of society, and even join in the shaming of other smokers if I wanted to.  I don't.

The lesson learned?  I'm not sure.  I don't think I'll ever say I'll regret it.  I still look forward to the day where if some global catastrophe or armageddon happens, of knowing I can go buy a pack. 

But until that day, I can be happy without smoking.  Which seemed impossible a few months ago.

So I'll leave you with this.

Until that day folks.

Week 43: Buy A Round of Drinks for A Bar

The first shot into Operation B Minus is probably the easiest of the remaining resolutions.  The goal is simple, buy a round of drinks for a bar.

Though, asking around, I found there was very little advice for how to do this.  Many questions exist:

1.  What constitutes a round?  Do I sit there and wait for everyone to make their own drink order?

2.  How does one go about buying the round?  Do you stand up with trumpets blaring and announce it?  Or do you silently work in cahoots with the bartender to arrange the round?  The former smacks of that special flavor of "look how much better I am than you" wall street douchiness. 

Editors note:  I am aware that posting it on the blog does not exempt me from this douchiness.

Ultimately my goal is to be more this:

Than

Really how much better would life be if we stopped to ask ourselves "how would Mr. Rogers buy a round of drinks for a bar?"  I don't have the answer but I hope it would involve toy trains.

3.  Finally, which bar?  Do you go for the sparsely populated bar.  Do you go for the dive, or the happening hot spot?

As it was pay day and Friday, I decided to just wing it and set off.   My travelling companion for this particular adventure was none other Fucking Eric.  A legend in these parts.

Equally likely to play an important part in saving the world or destroying it.

Rather than getting a reputation as the guy who buys rounds in my neighborhood we set off for capital hill Colfax.  A charming little strip of homeless alcoholics, young aspiring alcoholics, and with a standard sprinkling of bros and hipsters for flavor.

We first hit a couple of bars in the area, which for one reason or another didn't feel right.  Finding a bar to buy for is a lot like falling in love,  you just have to feel it I guess.

Luck was on our side though as the alcoholic version of cupid was floating around that night.

There are a surprising number of results for an image search of drunk cupid

We found ourselves at Nob Hill.  Which has to be own the title of best dive in Denver.  

Per official dive rules though minus 10 points for having a sign that is visible

Equal parts red and black, like the Twin Peaks midget would show up and start dancing at any minute.  Filled with smiling people of all walks of life.  Not a single one of which was looking to hook up.  Dark and dank, and with a juke box of only mix cd's  there could be no other bar deserving, not on Colfax, not anywhere.

 

 

It's like swingers had sex with a Bukowski poem

The next step was simple, I secretly spoke with the bartender and asked how these things were done, and she suggested just buying everyone one drink.  Which in retrospect was the obvious way to do this all along.   She lined up many many shots.

That man left a drool spot

The shots were given out, I was able to stay relatively anonymous, and life went on as normal within 1 minute. 

As it should be.

Weeks 39 - 52: Operation B minus

Well it's been a while, dear friends, and I know it looks like I abandoned this grand experiment in humiliation, like I've abandoned my singing career, and my dear pet turtle from my youth.  But I'm happy to say that, this is not the case.  Though you probably do deserve an explanation. 

 You see, I found myself once again swept up in the undertow of the ocean of responsibility.   You may be surprised to learn, that I am not, in fact, very good at time or money management.  Shocking I know.  So, from time to time my complete lack of planning or awareness of my surroundings catches up to me.  I found myself suddenly confronted with having to start a new job, and to get my financial affairs in order.

So the weeks slipped away, and the parasite that is adulthood latched on, and stole away my time and some of my spirit.

This is how I see myself as an adult

But there is good news folks.  Like so many before me, I have thrown off the shackles of sanity and pragmatism and am ready to make one final push to accomplish as much as possible.

We always knew at the start of this adventure, that it was very unlikely it would end with 52/52 completions for all of the resolutions.  But I am prepared to return to the Rosevear standard of 80%.  Yes, like the amount of actual meat in taco bell's taco meat, I am shooting for the gold standard of a B minus. 

"Close enough is good enough"
Ghandi
(probably)

So begins operation B minus

Anyway, so we are going to change the rules a bit now.  The name of the game is to get to 80% completion by the end of the year.   So instead of weekly drawings, I will tackle the remainder as best as I can.  

This will likely lead to some interesting strategizing.  Clearly, I can now cherry pick challenges that are easier, and even more intriguing, is I might be able to combine some of them.

So lets break down what we are looking at shall we?

By my count I have completed 34 resolutions thus far of the possible 52.  To get to 80% I need about 42.  So the goal in this remaining months of the year will be to finish 8 more of the following challenges.

• Plan and Execute an Elaborate Prank
• Punch Someone and get Punched by someone
• Throw a nonsensical surprise party
• Hitchhike 100 miles
• Do something in drag
• Have a beer as a sad clown
• Learn and play whole Song on an instrument
• Catch a fish
• Throw a fundraiser
• Take a homeless person to dinner 
• Buy a round of drinks for a bar
• Quit Smoking
• Make my own commercial
• Do the 100 shot club
• Get something waxed
• Solicit something from strangers
• Run a marathon
• Stay awake for more than 48 hours

 And there we have it folks.  As usual, I welcome solicitations, if you have a great idea for a challenge let me know and I'll throw it on the list as a bonus, or swap it out for one that's less fun.

And more importantly, it's time I humbled myself and ask for your help. 

I'm only slightly less hairy

If you find yourself reading this list, and think "Hey, I could probably help this weirdo achieve this"  please reach out to me.  You can go through the comments section.  Or if you'd prefer to remain anonymous, send me an email at knickrosevear@gmail.com (this offer does not apply to spammers)

Week 38: Plan and Execute an Elaborate Prank

So the pool of volunteers to pull from the hat has dwindled greatly.  So, I think barring anyone who would like to volunteer from afar (we can work something out over a webcam I'm sure) I'll be skipping that step.  Which is a bonus, because it allows me to be lazy.

So let's see, what are we going to postpone this week?  It's the wide open field of possibilities of "Plan and Execute an Elaborate Prank"


I'll have to noodle around on this for a bit.

Week 37: Swim a Mile or More

Another week has come, and I find myself further behind.  On the upshot though I am getting this entry out a full day before next weeks drawing so good on me there.

Some other good news, I did the math, and if I were to quit and abandon the remaining resolutions I would officially have completed 65% of them.  That's a solid "D" folks.  "D" is for debonair.

Anyway, life has continued to insist upon itself, and slow me down.  This week though marks the first drawing at my new professional place of soul crushing.  It's always awkward to try and fit in amongst new co-workers, doubly so when you ask them to reach inside your hat.

Doing the reluctant honors this week was Tracie:

Ninja fast she was

The result of course:

I've got to stop believing in myself

Put that in your wagon and pull it.


Thursday Update

It's like the glory days I accomplished this weeks task only 1 day behind schedule.  The question was of course what by way of proof do I provide?  I don't have an underwater camera, and the pool at the gym tends to frown on taking pictures in the pool area.

So I found myself making yet another awkward request to have a buddy come take some pictures surreptitiously of me swimming.  It's like that one time at camp all over again.

Anyway, documentation is light on this one.  You'll just have to trust that I did it.  32 laps, if you count a lap as back and forth across the pool.

So many people use this pool it's like swimming in someones bath tub

Or 64 trips from one side to the other, which I prefer because it sounds more impressive.  I decided on the excellent time of 9:30, because "Night Swimming" is a song by REM, and because I thought the pool would for sure be empty.

I was wrong on the latter.  the whole 50 odd minutes it took to swim 32 laps the pool was constantly full of people.  Old men in speedos, young future olympians, very hairy men, I got to swim next to the best of them.

How was it?
It sucked, the first 10 laps were easy the second 10 were exhausting, and the final 12 were torture.  My feet and calves had a cramp-off content.

cramps

Towards the end I really took advantage of the backstrokoe

But I did finish.  In slightly less time than it takes a senior to check out at the grocery store.  Which is a win I guess. 

Swimmers eat doughnuts right?

Thanks for listening.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
-Demetri Martin

Week 36: Make a Calvin and Hobbes Style Snowman Scene

As usual I am terribly behind schedule.  But you know who was on schedule?  Mussolini.  Which path is better in life?  Fascist dictator who kept the trains running on time.  Or his laid back brother, Herbert-olini?  I think if we're all honest with ourselves we all know who we would choose.

What I'm getting at here is this post for week 36 is already past due.  It was drawn a full week ago.  Let's take a trip in the way way back machine none the less.

It was a special drawing, my last day working at Pearson, after being forced out for numerous HR violations involving food.  Doing the honors was Craig, Jimmy Stewart voice over artist extraordinaire.

Seen here flagrantly ignoring the rules and looking while drawing

The result, is one that some will immediately know, and others will need explained to them.


To wit: in the popular newspaper Comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, a recurring joke was Calvin's macabre snowman sculptures and scenes.  See below.

You get the idea

The goal then is to re-create or create my own version of such a scene.  It will be glorious if not for one problem.

There is no fucking snow!!!

This is the one and only point in my entire existence on this planet where I've wished there was snow.  So, now I need to consider my options to achieve this.

1.  Wait
I can let it languish on the postponed pile with the other Susan Lucci of the challenge world "punch someone and get punched by someone", and wait until there is snow

2.  Find Snow
It's a big planet, there's got to be snow somewhere, there is probably even snow on top of some of these mountains I see every day.  Find the snow, make the snowmen.

3.  Fake Snow
The final option is to somehow fake the scene, I can make it miniature and make my own snow, I can try to find snowman suits or snow like material, the options are limitless.  Actually, probably just those 2 options, so the options are limitless up to 2.

I want to do this one right so it may take a while.

Week 35: Pay for a Strangers Groceries

As weeks go this one would normally be called my golden week.  35 weeks into the year. 35 years into my life.   Also, theoretically, this week would now be old enough to run for president.

The drawing this week took place at an earlier time, and I was phone-less to capture it.  I'm sure you're all heartbroken.  But it was drawn by Caleb, Christopher Walken's understudy for the Prophesy movies, and marks the first of the charitable challenges to be drawn.

Seems easy enough.

Honestly though, how do you pay for someone's groceries?

Do you make a big show out of it like Oprah?  Making sure everyone is aware of how awesome and generous I am?  I am writing a blog post about it so there's not much room to throw stones there.  But, seriously Oprah, you suck.

Oversimplified advice on coffee cups is this centuries fortune cookie

Do I somehow do it on the sly?  Anonymously pay, but how can I have proof that it happened?  Can I just say I did it?  Lie to my half dozen readers?  How many questions marks can I put in a paragraph before it seems weird?  Why can't I ever spell weird right the first time?

Some of these questions and more may be answered this week.  So, uh, check back in or something.

The Plans

After some brain storming I think we are down to 4 plans.  Which I diagrammed out on the white board.

Option 1 - The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Yeah, for some reason Art School never called me back

 
This option, involves finding a mark, having someone distract them while I conveniently toss an envelope into their grocery cart.

What's in the envelope?  Well inside would be 2 gift cards, and a note that says you're groceries have been bought, please use the 2nd gift card to buy someone else's groceries.  After all, what is more fun than getting your groceries paid?  Returning the favor of course.

Pros:  I get to remain anonymous
Cons:  High chance of being one of those feel good stories on the news or that your grandma posts on Facebook

Option 2 - The Good Kind of Furry

Yeah even those "mail in your art test" schools

So option 2, is more fun.  While someone is being checked out, I walk up in a teddy bear suit or some kind of costume, confuse them, and casually pay for their groceries and walk away.  Giving them the best story to tell their friends for at least a couple weeks.

Pros: Get to add to the strangeness of the world
Cons:  Good chance this could backfire and I end up in jail


Option 3 - I Flipped it On Ya

I even got an "F" at canvas and cocktails

 Option 3, is a clever twist on the goal.  I don't buy the strangers groceries while they are there, but rather buy and drop the groceries off at their house.

Pros:  I get to control how much groceries I buy
Cons:  I'm pretty sure "don't take candy from strangers" also applies to "don't eat groceries dropped off on your doorstep"

Option 4 - Missionary

 

Maybe I'm just too intense for the art world

Option 4, the old stand-by, I could just walk up to someone and offer to pay for their groceries.

I guess I could wear a cape or something. 

Pros: Quick and Painless
Cons: Quick and Painless

The Big Day

After much hemming and hawing, whatever that means, I finally decided to combine the two best options.  That would be Options 1 and 2.  Sadly, teddy bear suits are hard to come by, but luckily the local thrift store had a very nice selection of potential costumes and costume accessories.

The plan was simple.  1.  Get the cards, place them 2 a piece into an envelope with instructions.  2.  Put on the costume.  3.  Try not to get arrested, and hand the envelopes out.  4.  Live out the rest of my days wondering. 

0.  Choose a location

I wanted to give the cards away at a place where hope doesn't exist.  Where the cruelty of life is shone on the cracked, hardened faces.  Where the spark of happiness has all but been extinguished.

As Iraq was too far away, I chose the next best thing.  Albertsons

1.  Get the cards:

Yes I know my writing resembles a 5th grader using their left hand.

 

The true hero of this story is the man who had to ring up all these cards

In typical half-assed fashion these notes were written on the trunk of my car

 Funny story.  While waiting for the gift cards to be activated, we actually had a chance to speak to the security officer.  I told him that I would be coming back in wearing a mask and to please not shoot me.  I don't think he believed me. 

Pictured:  The security guard hard at work not noticing the guy in a robber costume.

2.  Put on the costume

The visit to the thrift store added to the increasingly strange collection of stuff in my car.  So, I had a number of options to choose from for my costume:

Too Scary!

Too Renaissance fair-y

Too Mustache-y

Juust Right

Some day, I'm going to get pulled over and immediately become a suspect for any number of crimes.


3.  Give the cards away

She looked like it was either the beginning of, or the end of a very long day.

She actually took quite a bit of convincing

This cart was actually abandoned, it's owner chatting away on their phone.

Special thanks to Amy on this one for giving me encouragement, and risking humiliation with me.

And what did we learn?

It's fun to dress up, it's fun to give, and it's most fun of all to live knowing you'll never know how it all played out. 

Maybe they were deserving, maybe they weren't.  The sun shines on the worthy and and the unworthy alike.  And, thank god it does, or I'd be even more pale, and I'm practically see through as it is.

Here's hoping, this brightened their day.  Or, at the very least, gave them an interesting Facebook update.

Isn't that what we're all looking for anyway?