Week 45: Quit Smoking

It's been said "time waits for no man"  by whom I'm not sure.

It's Chaucer, I just looked it up.  What that has to do with this week I can't really say.  But, I had to start somewhere.

This week I may be courting a bit of controversy.  The challenge is "Quit Smoking"  which was one of the original 52, and survived numerous swap outs.  Obviously, to succeed at quitting smoking one cannot claim 1 weeks success as a victory.   So this one is actually a couple months in the making.

It is also, unfortunately, not a terribly wacky or fun challenge.  But I'll do my best to make it interesting.

It all started with a trip to Dr. Downer.  You see I've been seeing Dr. Downer for my various ailments and problems for the better part of a decade.   And no matter the problem the answer is always 1 of 2 things.  "Well that's because you're too fat"  or "Well that's because you smoke".

Like this except he is an actual doctor, and not a fat sack of opportunistic crap.

 So having handled some of the weight problems, I was eager to take away his remaining defense.  Then and only then can I behead him and absorb his power.   I'm pretty sure I read that's how it works.

Dr. Downer prescribed me the very expensive Chantix pills to quit smoking.  Now I know you are all thinking, that, I took the cowards way out.  And, you are right in thinking that.  But I would also like to specify that I took the lazy way out too.

What will follow below is a breakdown of the overall process of quitting smoking.  If you've never tried it I highly recommend it, it's a great feeling of accomplishment.  Don't smoke?  Well, you could always start, and then quit, and then join me in sanctimony.

Edit:  I've been told the above advice should not be followed.

Week -884 to 0

I began smoking at 18 years of age, because the law said I could.  And I've always had trouble distinguishing between "could" and "should".  During the years that followed, I enjoyed the highs of pretending to be cool, meeting interesting people, marking friends and family with a musty scent and fine layer of ash.  

But there were downsides too,  I lived to see the world turn on me, suddenly no longer welcome in even the dingiest of bars.  I was the recipient of many a disparaging glance and look, and I came to learn of shame, and isolation.

This became all I saw from 2000 on

So finally I gave in, and as part of this grand experiment threw in the one resolution I knew I had to follow through on.

Week 1
The first week on Chantix, you are still allowed to smoke while the nasty little pill builds up in your system.  And smoke I did.  I smoked as much as possible trying to store the nicotene and sweet addictive chemicals like a camel.



Week 2

 The second week is the actual quit date.  As anyone can tell you, the actual quitting pain is only 3 or so days.  Those days are full of the anger, and hatred for everything good in the world.  Those are days where puppies and girl scouts are wise to avoid my path.  All I wanted was for something to suffer that wasn't me.

The pill itself is like powdered ulcer.  Stomach aches and nausea were common.  Plus unexpected perks like severe jaw clenching.  It wasn't just habit I was fighting my entire body was mounting an offensive against me.

A unexpected bonus though, is that the pill also brought crazy vivid dreams with it.  Beautiful colorful dreams, and horrifying nightmares that if I had any ounce of writing ability would offer me a second career.  Maybe not Stephen King level, but Dean Koontz?

Weeks 3-5
These weeks, are all about breaking the habit,  the physical aspects of addiction are gone, but the memory of smoking and the knowledge that nearly every activity in my life was somehow built around smoking made it very difficult.

I had to learn:

To drive with my windows up
To not stop at the gas station daily
To have phone conversations whenever I wanted instead of whenever I was smoking
To start smelling things again
^^ To realize just how smelly my life had gotten
To be hungry all of the goddamned time

Weeks 5 - 10
At this point, I was winning the war against smoking, learning to enjoy my nighttime forays into chaotic dreamworlds.  But I knew from past experiences, that these are the most critical weeks.  It is here where most smokers fail.  They find themselves out drinking or dealing with a small stressful event, and they think they can just smoke one.  For old times sake.

Sadly addiction is a mean unruly person.  And once he's made a home in your life, he never leaves.  Like that hippy that slept on my couch in college.  The best you can do is make him retreat, but, like that chick from The Ring, he never sleeps.  As soon as you slip up, bam, you are back to your full habit in a matter of days.

I stayed ever vigilant during this phase, and finally made it to the final.

Weeks 11 - Present
Here I am, a smoke free person.  Aside from a lingering scent in my car, I can now be a part of society, and even join in the shaming of other smokers if I wanted to.  I don't.

The lesson learned?  I'm not sure.  I don't think I'll ever say I'll regret it.  I still look forward to the day where if some global catastrophe or armageddon happens, of knowing I can go buy a pack. 

But until that day, I can be happy without smoking.  Which seemed impossible a few months ago.

So I'll leave you with this.

Until that day folks.