Participate in an Eating Contest Re-visited

When it came time to participate in an eating contest I took a moment to reflect on all the joy I've had eating this year.  The gallon of coffee, the 50 hard boiled eggs, and who can forget the week of sushi. 

Thinking back on all these moments I shuddered to think about having to go through another humiliating food related moment in my life.  There were no shortages of suggestions for challenges, insanely hot wings, insanely hot sushi, giant hamburgers.  All I'm sure would result in tears, both for me, and my future therapist.

For the last time, they are ink blots not vomit

Then, like a shining beacon of freedom someone suggested the Voodoo Doughnut Texass challenge.  A blissfully short challenge to eat a large Doughnut, a Doughnut the size of 6 other donuts to be precise.  In 80 seconds.  Challenge accepted.

The Where

Voodoo Doughnuts, is  I believe a Oregon based company famous for its sexual innuendo, cash only policy, and bafflingly long lines at 3 am.  They certainly make for a tasty treat though, should you ever find yourself with a large caloric deficit that needs to be filled immediately.

The Who

I recruited a trusty videographer to document the madness, and we set off.  And promptly found out they were out of the giant doughnut.  So a few days and a new videographer later I set off again and was in luck.

The What

A big ass doughnut.  By which I mean a very large doughnut, not a doughnut with a big ass.

She's actually standing 10 feet away

I was given a small cup for water to use in the challenge, which I filled with ice.  Rookie mistake.  For any future contestants in this challenge, fill that cup up to the brim with water as its the only way to get the doughnut to go down.

The How

Because I can't seem to ever fail quietly these days, I couldn't just eat the thing with a timer.  Instead a huge spectacle was made with alarms and shit talking, and the stares, those awful stares from the mile long line of patrons.

I shoved about 1/4 in my mouth right away hoping to set a strong pace, but then realized I couldn't chew there was no room.   I briefly considered pulling some out, but would rather that particular bit of shame be saved for my more senior years.   I used the water as best I could and got through a 2nd 4th, but after that time was up.  I had shamefully left a full 1/2 a doughnut left.

Believe it or not, this was the most flattering picture

They boxed up the remaining and I left with my head down, there would be no child offering me a coke to whom I could toss my jersey.  No cheers or acceptance speeches.  No free tee shirt.  Only a hot August afternoon waiting for me, and 1/2 of a giant doughnut.

Life is hard.