Week 30: Run A Race

It's week 30, another nice round number.  Lets take a trip back down memory lane and see what we've learned.

• We've learned that a gallon of coffee makes for a great panic attack simulator.
• We've learned that getting a tattoo based off of something you drew out of a hat doesn't earn you much street cred.
• We've learned that in a battle between ass-clenching terror and pants-shitting terror, ass-clenching wins out, when flying a helicopter.
• We've learned few people think Cool Hand Luke is as great of a movie as I do.

Still behind schedule and struggling to keep up another task is upon me.  This time drawn by semi-professional baseball pitcher Leo.

This was staged after the fact

And the result of course:

Teenage Mary said to Uncle Dave
I sold my soul, must be saved
Gonna take a walk down to Union Square
You never know who you're gonna find there

You gotta run, run, run, run, run
Take a drag or two
Run, run, run, run, run
Gypsy Death and you
Tell you whatcha do

-Run, Run, Run - Velvet Underground
Some quick Binging (ha, can you imagine), showed that apparently there are races every day of the week seemingly at all hours of the day.  So this challenge shall be exceptionally easy.

I've found two acceptable races.

5k for the Center for African American Health
Not sure what to expect from this, but the time and location are right so I'll probably be there.  It's a good cause so I'll even try to sucker some of my friends into donating.

An Aquathlon
I'll admit I only want to do this because it sounds ludicrous.  Initially I thought I had to cancel because its a swimming thing and the challenge specifically says "Run"  but this particular race is to swim a mile, then run a 5k.  So not only does it qualify, it may kill me.  So double score.

Stay tuned gang for updates from the exciting world of charitable running.

The Results

After doing some math I decided swimming a mile was likely impossible for a man of my age, and lung capacity.  So, like Robert Frost's lesser know brother Bill Frost, I took the easy way out.

The Race

The race I decided on was the annual 5k for the Center for African American Health.  I realize running such a race could potentially put me in a precarious position politically correctly speaking.  But I assure you, friends, potential future employers and jurors, that I meant no disrespect.  It is an excellent cause, and I'm happy to have donated to it.

Should you feel the philanthropy bug burrow under your skin and lay some eggs too, you should follow the link below too.

http://www.caahealth.org/

The race itself took place at the ungodly hour of 8:30 am on Saturday morning, at lovely City Park in Denver CO.

Seriously, who the hell wakes up this early on a weekend?

I showed up, got my tee shirt, and participated in some warm up exercises, by which I meant we all did the cupid shuffle.

Some of us did it better than others

After milling around waiting for it to start, and lamenting my complete lack of friends or support network it was time to start.

Of course I somehow managed to end up at the very back of the pack for my starting position.

It's okay though because I like to come from behind

The Results (Again)
With a mighty rush of wind I took off and wove my way through the crowd, and promptly ran out of steam right around the 1 mile mark.  I slowed down considderably and was able to finish with a time of 24:50.  Which is just above in shape grandpa, and just below out of shape teenager.

So ... not so bad.  And mission accomplished.  So let us end on a high note with some before and after pictures:

You can't see it but there is a small lake of sweat underneath me

Write a Short Story - Revisited

This challenge has proved very frustrating for me, I tried and failed to write two different short stories "Notes From the Diary of Eddie Haskell" and "I Should Have Pissed In The Ocean".  Which you, dear internet stranger, have to admit are excellent titles.  Feel free to steal them and do a better job than I did.

So, with the stink of failure still clinging to my skin like glitter from a stripper, I tried a new tactic.  The result, a very short story told in screenshot form is below.

Enjoy, or don't, the choice is yours.

A Missed Connection
A half-assed short story by Knick Rosevear

The End.

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.” 
-Kurt Vonnegut

Week 29: Punch Someone and Get Punched By Someone

Week 29 is here, and though my metabolism is wrecked by 28 days worth of cholesterol I must perservere.  Time rests for no man.  Unless your name is Time, then you can rest for whomever you wish, I'm not here to tell you what to do.

This week doing the honors we have Kat the Hockey Hooligan.

That is a Windows logo behind her, but don't judge

The result, one that could be simple or very painful.

Add caption

So this could go a number of ways, from a simple game of punchies, to boxing, to just being my charming self in a biker bar.  Either way, if you've been dying to wail on me this is your chance, reach out and we'll make it happen.  If you're dying to be wailed on, same story, but you may want to see a therapist.

As we work out the details, here is some inspiration.

I thought I was smart - I thought I was right
I thought it better not to fight - I thought there was a
Virtue in always being cool - so when it came time to
Fight I thought I'll just step aside and that time would
Prove you wrong and that you would be the fool 
- The Flaming Lips, Fight Test

And, of course, the obligatory quote

Tyler Durden: Why? I don't know why; I don't know. Never been in a fight. You?
Narrator: No, but that's a good thing.
Tyler Durden: No, it is not. How much can you know about yourself, you've never been in a fight? I don't wanna die without any scars. So come on; hit me before I lose my nerve.
-Fight Club

Sunday Update

 Some options have presented themselves we have a couple volunteers, next up is just to find a location and some equipment.

I am going to cut this particular post short though as, there are some updates for previously postponed resolutions from weeks prior.

So keep an eye out for the update.

God bless the internet

Week 28: Eat 50 Hard Boiled Eggs

Well it's Monday of week 28.  And I am behind the 8 ball, or in need of one.  What a difference a few words make.

But I'm back at altitude and ready to get caught up.   This weeks drawing was held in absentia, with the venerable Robert, data mastermind doing the honors.

The hat is suspiciously missing.  This is why you don't outsource America!

The result, a controversial one.

That's right, in honor of the one and only Cool Hand Luke, I will undertake the goal of 50 hard boiled eggs.  Though because I've only been arrested for jaywalking, and not cutting the heads off of parking meters I can't come close to old Hand's level of Cool, so I'm giving myself a day.

If you haven't seen this masterpiece, you are doing yourself a disservice.


[Luke won a game of poker on a bluff]
Dragline: 
Nothin'. A handful of nothin'. You stupid mullet head. He beat you with nothin'. Just like today when he kept comin' back at me - with nothin'. 
Luke:
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand. 
-Cool Hand Luke

There is some debate as to whether this is a fatal amount of protein and/or cholesterol.  But to be honest I'm more concerned with how long its going to take to boil 50 eggs.

Either way the plan is to attempt for tomorrow so keep an eye on the papers for the headline I keep chasing "Idiot dies from stupidity".

The Challenge
Ever the planner, I set about my preparation the night before around 10 PM, picking up the supplies:

2 - 18 packs of eggs
1 - 12 pack of eggs
1 - 6 pack of eggs 

Next step was to boil, nothing quite as enjoyable as deliriously boiling 50 eggs at midnight.

The midnight boil sounds like a movie ... or medical condition

The Big Day

Like Mount Everest.  Mount Eggerest

Eggs 1-3:  Started out strong with a quick good morning snack of 3 eggs, setting a solid pace.

Eggs 3- 8:  Throughout the rest of the morning preparation managed to get even more eggs going.  Including two eggs for the road.  Lesson learned:  driving while peeling is very dangerous.

Eggs 9-13:  After getting to work and loading up the office fridge with individual bags of 5 eggs, I started on the first pack.  The pace definitely slowed as the joy of office meetings distracted me from the clearly more important tasks, I finished egg 13 just around noon.

Eggs 14-23:  Realizing I was quickly falling behind, I went on a marathon egg munching experience.  Eating eggs in my meetings, at my desk, and in my car on lunch break.  Needless to say, but I will anyway, I attracted a certain amount of office attention.  The common consensus?  Probably going to have kidney failure

Eggs 24-28:  All the talk of kidney failure may have psyched me out some, as the last 5 took over 2 hours to get through, even with the addition of hot sauce and siracha.  Still, past the halfway point it was time to leave work.

Eggs 29-32:  Here is the wall.  Even knowing that the schedule was tight, my appetite was firmly turned off.  Took a trip to the gym, to take advantage of the insane amount of protein.  Taking a mid gym break to eat some eggs, is also probably not something I would recommend.  Finished number 32 around 9:30

Eggs 33-45:  At this point timing was critical, I had only 2 hours to get 18 eggs down, 9 an hour.  I set about my task this time pre-peeling to save time, my goal was to eat 3, then wait, then repeat.

The Stench of Failure and Egg Farts
I'm not sure if eggs are a natural sleep aid, or if my metabolism was shutting down, but as I worked my way through the final eggs I kept nodding off, finally falling asleep on my couch, with 5 uneaten eggs on my coffee table, and a small mound of egg shells.  I'm sure if a photo could have been taken it could be used as propaganda against America.  Or the cover of the dvd copy of a very depressing independent movie.

The failure was there I awoke past midnight, my goal missed, the tally ended at 45.  I finished the last 5 in a very sad breakfast, nearly killed myself with sulpher gas in the morning, and set about my day as a defeated man.

Conclusion
The bathroom hurts, I'm very stinky, and I may have ruined Easter forever.   But 45 is enough, to call it a C-, I will not be attempting this one again.

I wanted to be Cool Hand Luke, but will have to settle for Luke Warm Nick. 

Photograph An Unusual Animal In the Wild - Revisited

So, blurry photographs of antelopes, which might just be deer left a sour taste in my mouth.  And due to some kismet the last couple weeks I feel I have some better showings for this challenge.

Again, we are left to wonder, what counts as unusual?  But surely one of these counts.

Island Fox 

Also known as my new dream pet

Ran across this guy on Santa Cruz island off the coast nearby Ventura, CA.  Notorious camp robbers, and all around adorable little guys pretty much run the island.  Robin Hooding the shit out of any food visitors and campers may have brought.

Sea Lions

Alongside photographus interruptus

Saw these guys chilling (sunning?) on a buoy in the ocean on a ferry.  Fun fact:  it took me 4 tries to Google the correct way to spell buoy.

Pelican

Come at me bro

I have mad respect for this guy, rather than fly around and fish like a sucker, he just chills on the pier and waits for a fisherman to catch something then strolls on over and takes it.  Work smarter, not harder people.

Some sort of lizard

Man I wish I had brought my safari hat

He was hanging out at a mission, so I guess it's a fryer lizard.

Big-Ass Snake

Technically they don't have asses I guess

Saw this guy near a light house, just cruising along, not giving a damn.  I'm not sure what kind of snake it is, but it didn't have a rattle so that's probably good.

Elephant Seal

Not sure if napping or genocide

These Muppet looking blubber monsters chose one spot near San Simeon to hang out year round sometime around 1990.  Their laziness is truly an inspiration, Hindu's should seriously consider adding them to the reincarnation ladder, seems like a pretty sweet life.

Dolphin

Apparently the ocean is just lousy with dolphins as no one else in the state seemed to give a shit.  Still I thought it was cool.

Falcon

Apparently being employed as a contract killer for sea gulls

There we have it, combined with the blurry antelopes, I think this counts as a success.

Week 27: Ride Something Ridiculous for a Mile

So it seems we're starting off the 2nd half of the year with a bang.  A friendly soul seems to have submitted this blog to reddit.

That's whats called an outlier.  Source: math

Surely this poorly written site full of spelling and grammatical errors will be received well.

Or not

It's all good though, just because you can't please everyone doesn't mean you wont please someone.  Put that on a Starbucks cup Oprah!  So a big welcome to anyone bored at work and stopping by, have a few laughs at my expense, as long as your smiling I won't mind.

Anyway, back to the task at hand, it is Wednesday and it is time for an exciting new drawing.  This week doing the honors is Joe, winner of last weeks coffee gallon challenge.

Canted photography; very artistic

The result, finally something with potential for fun.

I had my handwriting analyzed once, they said "don't"

The timing on this could be fortuitous or terrible, as I am setting off for the west coast for the next week and a half.  Burglers take note.

The key words to focus on this week are "ridiculous" and "ride".  A lot of opportunity for shenanigans there.

So far the suggestions are:

A Pogo Stick
A Old-Timey Bycicle
A Segway
A Human Sized Hampster Ball
An Adult Big Wheel
A Pedicab

My flight approaches, but the week is young.  More to come.

2 Monday's Later

Well, I'm back from vacation with a farmer's tan that would make Hank Hill smile.  Throw in a pair of cutoff jean shorts and I'm ready to go swimming at the community pool.

What counts as ridiculous?
So over the last couple weeks I did a mile on a couple things that could be considered ridiculous.  I rode a sea kayak for at least a mile.  Maybe not ridiculous since its a legitimate hobby for some, but I promise I sure did look ridiculous on it.

Pictures are not available, so stay tuned for the follow up once I get my shit organized.  Plus I may just squeek out a new ridiculous mile in the meantime then.

But for now we can consider this one postponed due to vacationary complications.  But not for long.

Week 26: Drink A Gallon of Coffee (A very special episode)

Well kids, despite all expectations and common sense we have reached week 26.  The half way point.

This weeks challenge, is brought to you by friendship, and the letter A.

You see, a dear friend, colleague, and early supporter of the hat, Rich, is leaving our mutual place of employment.  And in honor of him, and to ensure the half way point is memorable, we bent the rules, and let Rich choose something directly from the hat.

They took longer finding something, than that old lady and her checkbook at the grocery store.

The result, a challenge worthy of cringe and danger.

Complete with a coffee stained backdrop

That's right, though it does not say, the implication is "in one day".  More specifically, the goal was to be in one work day.

Do you feel like a chain store?
Practically floored
One of many zeros
Kicked around bored
Your ears are full but your empty
Holding out your heart
To people who never really
Care how you are

So give me Coffee and TV
History
I've seen so much
I'm goin blind
And i'm braindead virtually
Coffee And Tv - Blur

The Plan

After much deliberation, I opted to go for 8 16 oz cups throughout the day.  I toyed with the idea of buying a gallon box, that they sell along with your 13 bagels.  But that would result in at least half a gallon of cold coffee, and the stupid challenge is hard enough as it is.

The Particpants 

Surprisingly, there was a lot of interest in this challenge, and we had 5 participants:  Rich, Myself, Tom, Mike and Joe.  Rich, of course, got mysteriously sick the day of the event, so it was left to the remaining four.

So lets break down the day shall we?

Cup One

Because I am a very smart, and forward thinking individual, I made sure to get only 3 hours of sleep the night before.  Because heart strain, is the new black ... or something.

Anyway, the first cup was from Peets Coffee at the brisk morning hour of 7:30.  Drank and enjoyed without issue, enjoyable and tasty.

Cup Two

Cup number two came from whole foods, still on pace at about 9 AM.  At this point everything was still going great, my productivity was high, I felt good and I was in the lead.

Rome could have been built in a day if they had more coffee

Cup Three and Four

Falling behind schedule, due to actually having to work, I decided to double fist it, and picked up 2 more cups from whole foods.   After finishing these, my body had begun to sense that something was amiss.  Typing became very difficult as my fingers quit the band to start their own side project.

Thoughts raced and collided in my brain, and I may have stopped blinking.

At this point, both Tom and Mike dropped out, mike reaching 48 oz,  And Tom making it to 68 oz.  Very respectable offerings from both.


Cup Five

Hitting, what can only be described as a wall of anxiety, I decided to ease off the gas for a bit and waited an hour before returning to cup 5.  I picked cup 5 up at the corner bakery for the worst lunch break ever.

At this point the effects cam in waves, with calmness and productivity interrupted by light headedness, jaw clenching, and a little bit of the shaky hands.

Cup Six and Seven

At this point, I decided just to power through.  Any more slacking and I know I would crash, and I'll be damned if I have to retry this insanity again.

Cups six and seven came from the charming people at Oh! Coffee, a little shack outside my work.  I employed a new strategy of drinking from both cups alternating, to trick myself.

So it turns out pyramids are harder to make than I thought

Cup 8

 At this point, I was walking a tight rope between stroke and heart attack.  Joe had already won the competition finishing his gallon.  I decided if I was going to die from my own stupidity I'd rather do it at home, so packed up my last cup and headed home to finish it when I wasn't having a panic attack.

After about 2.5 hours I felt calm enough, and chugged cup #8 completing the gallon, and cementing this day in history as one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

The Stats

So, gang, lets take a look at the numbers.

Number of 16 oz cups - 8
Number of Ounces - 128
Average Milligrams of Caffeine Per Cup - 660
* Edit: I read this wrong, its actually about 330 mg per an average Starbucks 20 oz
Total Milligrams of Caffeine - 5280 (this is just a strange coincidence)
* Edit: This is also incorrect as per the above note

Bathroom Sum - 9 (This is the number you get after adding up the 1's and 2's, I wont specify how many of each)

The Aftermath
 
Wide awake, zero appetite, too much energy with no mental capabilities.  It was like being Lindsey Lohan.

After a battle of wills with my bed and pillow I finally was able to reach sleep around midnight, and dreamt happily of chamomile tea, and ice water.

The verdict?  Don't do it kids.

Until then, this one's for you Rich.