Week 45: Quit Smoking

It's been said "time waits for no man"  by whom I'm not sure.

It's Chaucer, I just looked it up.  What that has to do with this week I can't really say.  But, I had to start somewhere.

This week I may be courting a bit of controversy.  The challenge is "Quit Smoking"  which was one of the original 52, and survived numerous swap outs.  Obviously, to succeed at quitting smoking one cannot claim 1 weeks success as a victory.   So this one is actually a couple months in the making.

It is also, unfortunately, not a terribly wacky or fun challenge.  But I'll do my best to make it interesting.

It all started with a trip to Dr. Downer.  You see I've been seeing Dr. Downer for my various ailments and problems for the better part of a decade.   And no matter the problem the answer is always 1 of 2 things.  "Well that's because you're too fat"  or "Well that's because you smoke".

Like this except he is an actual doctor, and not a fat sack of opportunistic crap.

 So having handled some of the weight problems, I was eager to take away his remaining defense.  Then and only then can I behead him and absorb his power.   I'm pretty sure I read that's how it works.

Dr. Downer prescribed me the very expensive Chantix pills to quit smoking.  Now I know you are all thinking, that, I took the cowards way out.  And, you are right in thinking that.  But I would also like to specify that I took the lazy way out too.

What will follow below is a breakdown of the overall process of quitting smoking.  If you've never tried it I highly recommend it, it's a great feeling of accomplishment.  Don't smoke?  Well, you could always start, and then quit, and then join me in sanctimony.

Edit:  I've been told the above advice should not be followed.

Week -884 to 0

I began smoking at 18 years of age, because the law said I could.  And I've always had trouble distinguishing between "could" and "should".  During the years that followed, I enjoyed the highs of pretending to be cool, meeting interesting people, marking friends and family with a musty scent and fine layer of ash.  

But there were downsides too,  I lived to see the world turn on me, suddenly no longer welcome in even the dingiest of bars.  I was the recipient of many a disparaging glance and look, and I came to learn of shame, and isolation.

This became all I saw from 2000 on

So finally I gave in, and as part of this grand experiment threw in the one resolution I knew I had to follow through on.

Week 1
The first week on Chantix, you are still allowed to smoke while the nasty little pill builds up in your system.  And smoke I did.  I smoked as much as possible trying to store the nicotene and sweet addictive chemicals like a camel.



Week 2

 The second week is the actual quit date.  As anyone can tell you, the actual quitting pain is only 3 or so days.  Those days are full of the anger, and hatred for everything good in the world.  Those are days where puppies and girl scouts are wise to avoid my path.  All I wanted was for something to suffer that wasn't me.

The pill itself is like powdered ulcer.  Stomach aches and nausea were common.  Plus unexpected perks like severe jaw clenching.  It wasn't just habit I was fighting my entire body was mounting an offensive against me.

A unexpected bonus though, is that the pill also brought crazy vivid dreams with it.  Beautiful colorful dreams, and horrifying nightmares that if I had any ounce of writing ability would offer me a second career.  Maybe not Stephen King level, but Dean Koontz?

Weeks 3-5
These weeks, are all about breaking the habit,  the physical aspects of addiction are gone, but the memory of smoking and the knowledge that nearly every activity in my life was somehow built around smoking made it very difficult.

I had to learn:

To drive with my windows up
To not stop at the gas station daily
To have phone conversations whenever I wanted instead of whenever I was smoking
To start smelling things again
^^ To realize just how smelly my life had gotten
To be hungry all of the goddamned time

Weeks 5 - 10
At this point, I was winning the war against smoking, learning to enjoy my nighttime forays into chaotic dreamworlds.  But I knew from past experiences, that these are the most critical weeks.  It is here where most smokers fail.  They find themselves out drinking or dealing with a small stressful event, and they think they can just smoke one.  For old times sake.

Sadly addiction is a mean unruly person.  And once he's made a home in your life, he never leaves.  Like that hippy that slept on my couch in college.  The best you can do is make him retreat, but, like that chick from The Ring, he never sleeps.  As soon as you slip up, bam, you are back to your full habit in a matter of days.

I stayed ever vigilant during this phase, and finally made it to the final.

Weeks 11 - Present
Here I am, a smoke free person.  Aside from a lingering scent in my car, I can now be a part of society, and even join in the shaming of other smokers if I wanted to.  I don't.

The lesson learned?  I'm not sure.  I don't think I'll ever say I'll regret it.  I still look forward to the day where if some global catastrophe or armageddon happens, of knowing I can go buy a pack. 

But until that day, I can be happy without smoking.  Which seemed impossible a few months ago.

So I'll leave you with this.

Until that day folks.

Week 43: Buy A Round of Drinks for A Bar

The first shot into Operation B Minus is probably the easiest of the remaining resolutions.  The goal is simple, buy a round of drinks for a bar.

Though, asking around, I found there was very little advice for how to do this.  Many questions exist:

1.  What constitutes a round?  Do I sit there and wait for everyone to make their own drink order?

2.  How does one go about buying the round?  Do you stand up with trumpets blaring and announce it?  Or do you silently work in cahoots with the bartender to arrange the round?  The former smacks of that special flavor of "look how much better I am than you" wall street douchiness. 

Editors note:  I am aware that posting it on the blog does not exempt me from this douchiness.

Ultimately my goal is to be more this:

Than

Really how much better would life be if we stopped to ask ourselves "how would Mr. Rogers buy a round of drinks for a bar?"  I don't have the answer but I hope it would involve toy trains.

3.  Finally, which bar?  Do you go for the sparsely populated bar.  Do you go for the dive, or the happening hot spot?

As it was pay day and Friday, I decided to just wing it and set off.   My travelling companion for this particular adventure was none other Fucking Eric.  A legend in these parts.

Equally likely to play an important part in saving the world or destroying it.

Rather than getting a reputation as the guy who buys rounds in my neighborhood we set off for capital hill Colfax.  A charming little strip of homeless alcoholics, young aspiring alcoholics, and with a standard sprinkling of bros and hipsters for flavor.

We first hit a couple of bars in the area, which for one reason or another didn't feel right.  Finding a bar to buy for is a lot like falling in love,  you just have to feel it I guess.

Luck was on our side though as the alcoholic version of cupid was floating around that night.

There are a surprising number of results for an image search of drunk cupid

We found ourselves at Nob Hill.  Which has to be own the title of best dive in Denver.  

Per official dive rules though minus 10 points for having a sign that is visible

Equal parts red and black, like the Twin Peaks midget would show up and start dancing at any minute.  Filled with smiling people of all walks of life.  Not a single one of which was looking to hook up.  Dark and dank, and with a juke box of only mix cd's  there could be no other bar deserving, not on Colfax, not anywhere.

 

 

It's like swingers had sex with a Bukowski poem

The next step was simple, I secretly spoke with the bartender and asked how these things were done, and she suggested just buying everyone one drink.  Which in retrospect was the obvious way to do this all along.   She lined up many many shots.

That man left a drool spot

The shots were given out, I was able to stay relatively anonymous, and life went on as normal within 1 minute. 

As it should be.

Weeks 39 - 52: Operation B minus

Well it's been a while, dear friends, and I know it looks like I abandoned this grand experiment in humiliation, like I've abandoned my singing career, and my dear pet turtle from my youth.  But I'm happy to say that, this is not the case.  Though you probably do deserve an explanation. 

 You see, I found myself once again swept up in the undertow of the ocean of responsibility.   You may be surprised to learn, that I am not, in fact, very good at time or money management.  Shocking I know.  So, from time to time my complete lack of planning or awareness of my surroundings catches up to me.  I found myself suddenly confronted with having to start a new job, and to get my financial affairs in order.

So the weeks slipped away, and the parasite that is adulthood latched on, and stole away my time and some of my spirit.

This is how I see myself as an adult

But there is good news folks.  Like so many before me, I have thrown off the shackles of sanity and pragmatism and am ready to make one final push to accomplish as much as possible.

We always knew at the start of this adventure, that it was very unlikely it would end with 52/52 completions for all of the resolutions.  But I am prepared to return to the Rosevear standard of 80%.  Yes, like the amount of actual meat in taco bell's taco meat, I am shooting for the gold standard of a B minus. 

"Close enough is good enough"
Ghandi
(probably)

So begins operation B minus

Anyway, so we are going to change the rules a bit now.  The name of the game is to get to 80% completion by the end of the year.   So instead of weekly drawings, I will tackle the remainder as best as I can.  

This will likely lead to some interesting strategizing.  Clearly, I can now cherry pick challenges that are easier, and even more intriguing, is I might be able to combine some of them.

So lets break down what we are looking at shall we?

By my count I have completed 34 resolutions thus far of the possible 52.  To get to 80% I need about 42.  So the goal in this remaining months of the year will be to finish 8 more of the following challenges.

• Plan and Execute an Elaborate Prank
• Punch Someone and get Punched by someone
• Throw a nonsensical surprise party
• Hitchhike 100 miles
• Do something in drag
• Have a beer as a sad clown
• Learn and play whole Song on an instrument
• Catch a fish
• Throw a fundraiser
• Take a homeless person to dinner 
• Buy a round of drinks for a bar
• Quit Smoking
• Make my own commercial
• Do the 100 shot club
• Get something waxed
• Solicit something from strangers
• Run a marathon
• Stay awake for more than 48 hours

 And there we have it folks.  As usual, I welcome solicitations, if you have a great idea for a challenge let me know and I'll throw it on the list as a bonus, or swap it out for one that's less fun.

And more importantly, it's time I humbled myself and ask for your help. 

I'm only slightly less hairy

If you find yourself reading this list, and think "Hey, I could probably help this weirdo achieve this"  please reach out to me.  You can go through the comments section.  Or if you'd prefer to remain anonymous, send me an email at knickrosevear@gmail.com (this offer does not apply to spammers)