Week 26: Drink A Gallon of Coffee (A very special episode)

Well kids, despite all expectations and common sense we have reached week 26.  The half way point.

This weeks challenge, is brought to you by friendship, and the letter A.

You see, a dear friend, colleague, and early supporter of the hat, Rich, is leaving our mutual place of employment.  And in honor of him, and to ensure the half way point is memorable, we bent the rules, and let Rich choose something directly from the hat.

They took longer finding something, than that old lady and her checkbook at the grocery store.

The result, a challenge worthy of cringe and danger.

Complete with a coffee stained backdrop

That's right, though it does not say, the implication is "in one day".  More specifically, the goal was to be in one work day.

Do you feel like a chain store?
Practically floored
One of many zeros
Kicked around bored
Your ears are full but your empty
Holding out your heart
To people who never really
Care how you are

So give me Coffee and TV
History
I've seen so much
I'm goin blind
And i'm braindead virtually
Coffee And Tv - Blur

The Plan

After much deliberation, I opted to go for 8 16 oz cups throughout the day.  I toyed with the idea of buying a gallon box, that they sell along with your 13 bagels.  But that would result in at least half a gallon of cold coffee, and the stupid challenge is hard enough as it is.

The Particpants 

Surprisingly, there was a lot of interest in this challenge, and we had 5 participants:  Rich, Myself, Tom, Mike and Joe.  Rich, of course, got mysteriously sick the day of the event, so it was left to the remaining four.

So lets break down the day shall we?

Cup One

Because I am a very smart, and forward thinking individual, I made sure to get only 3 hours of sleep the night before.  Because heart strain, is the new black ... or something.

Anyway, the first cup was from Peets Coffee at the brisk morning hour of 7:30.  Drank and enjoyed without issue, enjoyable and tasty.

Cup Two

Cup number two came from whole foods, still on pace at about 9 AM.  At this point everything was still going great, my productivity was high, I felt good and I was in the lead.

Rome could have been built in a day if they had more coffee

Cup Three and Four

Falling behind schedule, due to actually having to work, I decided to double fist it, and picked up 2 more cups from whole foods.   After finishing these, my body had begun to sense that something was amiss.  Typing became very difficult as my fingers quit the band to start their own side project.

Thoughts raced and collided in my brain, and I may have stopped blinking.

At this point, both Tom and Mike dropped out, mike reaching 48 oz,  And Tom making it to 68 oz.  Very respectable offerings from both.


Cup Five

Hitting, what can only be described as a wall of anxiety, I decided to ease off the gas for a bit and waited an hour before returning to cup 5.  I picked cup 5 up at the corner bakery for the worst lunch break ever.

At this point the effects cam in waves, with calmness and productivity interrupted by light headedness, jaw clenching, and a little bit of the shaky hands.

Cup Six and Seven

At this point, I decided just to power through.  Any more slacking and I know I would crash, and I'll be damned if I have to retry this insanity again.

Cups six and seven came from the charming people at Oh! Coffee, a little shack outside my work.  I employed a new strategy of drinking from both cups alternating, to trick myself.

So it turns out pyramids are harder to make than I thought

Cup 8

 At this point, I was walking a tight rope between stroke and heart attack.  Joe had already won the competition finishing his gallon.  I decided if I was going to die from my own stupidity I'd rather do it at home, so packed up my last cup and headed home to finish it when I wasn't having a panic attack.

After about 2.5 hours I felt calm enough, and chugged cup #8 completing the gallon, and cementing this day in history as one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

The Stats

So, gang, lets take a look at the numbers.

Number of 16 oz cups - 8
Number of Ounces - 128
Average Milligrams of Caffeine Per Cup - 660
* Edit: I read this wrong, its actually about 330 mg per an average Starbucks 20 oz
Total Milligrams of Caffeine - 5280 (this is just a strange coincidence)
* Edit: This is also incorrect as per the above note

Bathroom Sum - 9 (This is the number you get after adding up the 1's and 2's, I wont specify how many of each)

The Aftermath
 
Wide awake, zero appetite, too much energy with no mental capabilities.  It was like being Lindsey Lohan.

After a battle of wills with my bed and pillow I finally was able to reach sleep around midnight, and dreamt happily of chamomile tea, and ice water.

The verdict?  Don't do it kids.

Until then, this one's for you Rich.

Week 25: Write a Short Story

Here we are at week 25.  With only one day left to accomplish.  You may have surmised that I have been severely slacking in my duties.  I will not dispute that.

There was a drawing 6 days ago though, so lets get in the way back machine and check it out.

Doing the honors that day was Eric, secretary of the treasury for the third level of hell.

His head is missing to protect his identity.

The result, a nice boring one.  Which is sure to displease, but a welcome break from spending money and/or personal embarrassment for me.

Then stare at the horizon and sigh

So I have one day left to do this, and 0 ideas.  The possibility of postponement seems very likely.   But, then again, the future is unwritten.

Thursday Update

No story so far, but I do have a title.  "Notes from the Diary of Eddie Haskell"  sounds good yes?  Stick around gang, for the inevitable re-visiting.

Throw a Wine Tasting Party - Revisited

Well friends and strangers it has been a busy few weeks, but I'm happy to say I was able to have my fancy wine tasting party.

It was an evening of much cheap wine and sulfides.  Cheese in a can, and in a jar, fruit snacks and the piece de resistance, a Twinkie wiener sandwich.  But more on that later.

 Where

It was held where all fancy parties are held at an apartment complex clubhouse of course.  For a low price and some very threatening legal documents I was allowed to rent out my local clubhouse for the event.  I could have had it at my place, but I'm pretty sure my apartment has a maximum capacity of 3 people, 2 with a dog.  Also, I didn't really want to clean.

God damn, that's fancy

Who
It was a veritable who's who, of hat adventures past.  Drawers, and participators, Rich, the navigator from the Canadian Poutine Caper, was there.  Amy, the sweetest dance partner.  Jared, the gun range guru, my Nobel prize picture hunting partner, and so many more.

You know you have a solid group of friends when they agree to come to a party advertised for its horribleness.

What Part One:  The Wine, and Cheese

The wine selection was truly fantastic.  Here is just a sampling:

The only wine with an expiration date

The boys from it's always sunny were right, wine in a can will sweep the nation

A jug of Chablis

And of Course

The one and only

All of the wines were lovingly wrapped up, to not influence anyone's taste buds.

It's like a white trash wedding reception

In addition to the wine, a fine assortment of canned and jarred cheeses were served, along with a truly epic amount of fruit snacks.  I mean we had ninja turtle, justice league, and super Mario snacks.

Then we all played some games, games like guess which fruit snack is organic, or high in fiber.  Discuss which wine pairs best with which canned cheese.  And of course match the wrapped wine with it's clue.  Congratulations to Laura for winning that one.

What:  The Twinkie Wiener Sandwich

Now for the exciting part.  This party presented me with an opportunity to settle a bet I lost over a decade ago.  Without getting into details I owed someone a twinkie wiener sandwich eaten by me.  It has weighed heavily on my conscience, and in front of an audience larger than I liked I decided to make good.

But first what is a twinkie wiener sandwich?

It's glorious is what it is

 
Inspired by the wonderful UHF movie.  It is a twinkie cut in half to act like a hot dog bun.  It is a raw hot dog placed in the twinkie bun, and garnished with a layer of EZ Cheese.  Finally, you dip it in milk and enjoy.

Enjoyment Imminent

Enjoyment Achieved

There you have it.  Thanks to everyone for coming and helping me knock this one out.

Week 24: Photograph an Unusual Animal in the Wild

Week 24 has arrived.  Will it offer a promise of adventure, an escape from the air conditioned nightmare that is the 21st century office job?

Drawing this week is, Sameer, a rare soul who actually requested to draw rather than being ambushed like those before him.

He practiced all week

The result, a rare white paper one, and very intriguing at that:

And apparently written by a  6 year old

There we have it, very vague and open to interpretation.

One thing is for sure though.  I'll need a new hat.

Two Tuesdays Later

Armed with my new hat, and safari partner, which is not a euphamism ... yet.

I set out in search of an animal worthy of the goal.  Across the grand wasteland of eastern Colorado. 

So flat you can see the earth curve

Seriously though, that hat is pretty fantastic no?

You may be asking, "Knick,  why on earth in seeking out animals would you head out to the flat lands and not the Mountains where all sorts of wildlife live?"  The answer of course is, because the mountains are far away, and I've got shit to do.

So how did it go?  I spotted a couple of antelope who were not cooperative with me getting closer.  I guess I should have invested in that animal urine cologne.  But I did snap a picture.

That itty bitty spec on the horizon is two majestic antelopes.

Or a bush, you decide

Works better in the movies

So here we are again.  I'm sure history will judge me poorly on this one.  Maybe an antelope doesn't count as rare, maybe a spec in a big grass field doesn't count as photographing.  Maybe trespassing in some farmer's field on the side of the highway doesn't count as wild.

But, like that suspicious roll of paper towel in your friends bathroom, sometimes you have to make do.

Hopefully we'll revisit this one soon.  Until then, remember a D-, still counts as passing.

Week 23: Throw a Wine Tasting Party

I think there was a movie about an evil number 23 once.  Jim Carey was in it.  He was scared of 23 for some reason.  I can't really relate, numbers don't frighten me.  Except prime numbers, but that's because its a lifestyle choice I disagree with.

Now where were we?  Week 23 has arrived and brought with it a new drawer Michael.

Generally speaking you should always look at things you stick your hands into

The result, takes some explaining.

Warm up your Volvos!

To explain.  Once I had heard about parties where fancy wine served with the bottles hidden in bags.  To encourage culture or something.

Like this but with more cheese

Never being one to miss jumping on a fad 10 years too late I thought "I should have my own party".  But, with the cheapest, nastiest hobo-iest wine I could fine.   I can invite anyone and everyone to come and taste from boxes, jugs and cans of wine covered up to see who has the most refined pallet to distinguish Boones Farm from Night Train. Franzia from Bartles and Jaymes. 

And cheese, the finest cheese in cans, or in jars.  Paired with delectable fruit roll-ups.  Surely, with a party like this I will secure my place alongside Gatsby.

So, I'm off to do some planning, I'll need a venue, a menu and then you, dear reader, are more than welcome to attend the first ever 2014 semi annual wine-o wine tasting party.

I'll probably have to work on the name.

Watch this space.

Thursday

Well it's Thursday, and the spectre of failure has colored my life.

Yes, that Spectre

 

As you may have guessed I have not held a wine tasting party.  Unfortunately, my work chose this exact week to demand I actually put forth effort.  What a bunch of turd burglers.

Sometimes postponement can lead to wonderful things though, just ask anyone on death row.

So, dear readers, keep an eye out for the update to come hopefully next week.  In the meantime enjoy this inspiration:

Wine comes in at the mouth.  And love comes in at the eye.
That’s all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die
-William Butler Yeats

Change the spelling and word order and that becomes a very dirty quote.

Crash a Convention - Revisited

We've got a couple hours to kill before next weeks drawing, so why not revisit a failed one from a few weeks back.

The dreaded crash a convention ... or something. 

Or Something

As luck would have it I found myself free on a Friday afternoon, and I went a convention hunting.  First stop the Inverness Hotel in Broomfield on a hot tip from one of my confidential sources.  Thanks Jon.

And boom right off the bat paydirt:

National Association of Collegiate Women Athletics Administrators

Swing and a Miss
Well despite being told I'm effeminate my whole life, turns out I'm not effeminate enough to easily blend in with a room full of women athletics administrators.

Line Drive!
So keeping my resolution high, I explored the hotel further, as it is a very big hotel.  And as luck would have it on the other side there was a very large convention happening for "Shamrock Foods".

Participants didn't have uniforms but did have matching bellies

Despite being very underdressed.

A riveting read

I quickly tried to blend in, picking up some reading material from some of the vendors lining the hallway to use as a cover.

Then I saw it, an open conference room just before some speeches, so I snuck in took a seat in the back, and prepared myself to learn all about lettuce.

That's lettuce he's holding, not weed

I learned about lettuc pricing points, I learned about how iceberg lettuce is dying, and how romaine is king.  I learned about how they screw you and me, the customers, by giving us lettuce that is fluffier to look like we are getting more.

I also learned about onions, quite a bit about onions, and organic farming.

Well, after an hour of that I felt it was safe to mingle about.  I snagged some free samples, smiled awkwardly and avoided eye contact with the hotel security.

Little known fact, food is lower in calories when it's stolen

Yes.

After about a half hour of playing interloper I remembered I had the day off and should spend it doing something more interesting than tresspassing and learning about lettuce.  So I called it a success, belated though it may be.

It pays off