Week 17: Learn 2 or More Fancy Dances

Here's a neat fact for you numerology junkies.  17 is the only known prime which is equal to the sum of the digits of its cube.  And they say math isn't fun.

Drawing for this week, is ping pong phenom Duc who reluctantly agreed to draw after candy was promised.

It was a lie.

The result:

The "or more" just screams unbridled foolish optimism

So there we are, lots of opportunities to skirt the definitions.  What is a "fancy" dance really?

Perhaps we should put it to a vote?

I'm sure facebook won't let me down this time

Well, in a surprising turn of events, facebook turned out to be very little help, unless you count "Donnie Osmond" as a type of dance.  Nevertheless I persevered, and with some reaching out to people in the know, was able to find a place that offers free dance lessons.

The Where
Deep in the heart of Colfax, next to the, not really historic, Fillmore auditorium lies a surprisingly sizable building apparently devoted to fancy dancing.  The clothed kind even.

The Denver Turnverein (which is German for something I'm sure), is a building/club devoted to dance and cultural events, but mostly dance.

Also, free parking

The good people at the Turnverein, hold free, or extremely cheap mass dance lessons seemingly all week long. 

Also, apparently fans of extraneous quotation marks

Anyway, with luck on my side, I decided on a couple dances to lean.  The Lindy Hop, and the Fox Trot.

The Who
Obviously, finding a place to learn to dance was a critical step, but an easily overlooked component is having someone to dance with.  So I recruited a gorgeous dance partner.

Hint: She's the one under 50

Now, finally, I would have someone to witness and tell the tale for generations to come, of my legendary dance ability.

Legendary doesn't have to mean good

The What - Lindy

With the two key ingredients ready it was time to make a piping hot bowl of Lindy Soup.  Upon arriving we met a wonderful and kind dance instructor who graciously informed me that I would, in fact, be terrible. 

I probably should have been paying attention at this point

After teaching us the initial steps we then lined up in two giant circles and proceeded to switch partners for the better part of an hour.  Because, what is better than stepping on one person's toes?  Stepping on 20 peoples toes of course!

The Verdict
 The Lindy is a swing derivative, following a "Step, Step, Triple Step" rhythm and very hard to do apparently.  Twenty introductions and twenty apologies later I was left with a vague idea of how the dance flowed, and enough shame to fill 2 catholic churches. 

The What - Foxtrot

Now this was more promising, a old timey dance for old timey people.  Surely, this, plus my extra day of dance experience would yield some actual dance skills.   The fox trot had a lovely lady instructor who opted for parallel lines instead of circles for dance lessons:

"Maybe, the foxtrot is a line dance"  Thought nobody

 
We were again taught the steps for a number of forms of the Foxtrot, a much simpler pattern, that I still completely failed to master.  Apparently, counting to four is just not my strong suit.  Regardless it was a wonderful time, and we opted to stick around for an actual dance being held after the lesson.

That's right folks, your humble narrator attended an actual ballroom dance.

And, lo the angel did break the 2nd seal

The Verdict
Life, and dance can be fun, if you stop expecting to be perfect at it.  The dance itself was full of songs for other dances I did not know.  So it was like my old high school dances except I was standing against the wall watching people dance and wishing I knew how.  Actually it was exactly like my high school dances.

Except for maybe a slight age difference.

I guess I could call it ... my Senior Prom

Yeeaaaaaaaahhh

Week 16: Shoot A Gun

Here, we are at week 16.  More or less 4 months deep into the year; and what have we learned?

We've learned that stage fright and mercury poisoning are very real things.
We've learned that everyone will criticise your hair dye job, even though you totally know its darker.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand.  This week starts out with a bang, literally.

Actually it's still not literally ... quit misusing that word America!

Wait.  Like Pulp Fiction before us, let's cut back to the beginning.

Cue the Surf Music

Right, that there is Karthik, chess Grandmaster doing the honors this week.

This is one of those weeks where things could go any number of ways,  so save your bail money and ...

 

Let's all go to the gun range

Four, three, two, one
When at the barrel of a gun
Keep my head way down.
Stay out I'll stay in.
Half dead, half numb
She's enough to make me warm
It's all so safe and sound.
-Guster, Barrel of a Gun

So Tuesday, came and with the help of two Gun Afficianados Jared and Gary  I was able to pop that Gun cherry and finally become a real American.

Pictured: Jared and Gary.  Not two random guys at the gun range.

The verdict?  It's hard to deny the appeal:

As a bonus I can now appreciate the music of .38 special much more

I think if I Photoshopped myself out, I could claim this was a ghost.

After firing 5 guns and many many bullets, it was time to pack up, and cancel next weeks psychiatrist appointment.

I pretended he was my old Gym teacher

There we have it, another goal completed another step closer to manhood, all that's left is to wrestle a bear, and eat a 10 foot hoagie.  Until next time folks.

Week 15: See 5 Concerts in One Week

Here we are at the Ides of the year.  Is that a thing?  Does Ides mean 15?  Should I be capitalizing Ides?

These and many more questions are what fill the air this beautiful spring Thursday.  A perfect day for a drawing.

Today's drawer is the veritable Prince of Sri Lanka and half of the soon to be famous vaudeville comedy troup Preetham and Kumar.

Seen here looking at stage right

And the result, nothing special, but a nice opportunity for this gentlemen to have some fun this week.

Probably shouldn't have waited until Thursday for this one

There we have it.  Of course I'm at the mercy of the fates (but aren't we all) in terms of my choices.  I will endeavor to visit a different venue for each concert, and undoubtedly will see and discover different musical styles and bands.

So stick around as I pull out my tiny notebook, and play musical journalist for a week.

Why yes, it is resting on my crotch, and on an unrelated note I'm no longer allowed in the coffee shop

Thursday:  Dan Croll

No time to waste I quickly perused my options and chose the band playing with the best sounding name.  In this case because it reminded me of Krull the movie.

Genre:   Brit Pop/ShoeGazer
Dan Croll and his band are the answer to the question no ones asked, what would "Flock of Sea Gulls look like today?"

All but one of the band members were British, there was one American though.  Can you guess which?

Hint: It's the guy with the beard

They sang bouncy songs about hearts and loves and sent the many young women in the audience into mixtures of wacky white girl dancing, swooning and frantic picture taking.

Venue:  Larimer Lounge

Ah the Larimer Lounge, once in one of the scariest neighborhoods in Denver, now a hotspot of young professionals, yuppies and hipsters, and the occasional Yupster (which if it isn't already a word should be).

The lounge has held onto its divey soul though, with reasonable drink prices, dingy dark and dank atmosphere, and ever-judging staff, that will make even the hipest guy in town feel inferior about the quality and quantity of his facial hair and tatoos.

Also notable for being the only club to let you sit behind the band.

Your mileage may vary

Audience:  Youngins.  Helpfully identified with a giant black X on their hand, and by their inappropriate excitement at a show at the Lounge.

Case in point

Friday:  Colorado Symphony

What better way to follow up hipster central than with a trip down sophisticate lane.

Genre  Classical Music
Beautiful stuff really, really a shame it seems to be a dying thing, much like looking at the stars the youth seem to have found better things to do.

You have to respect a band that out-dresses it's audience.  And isn't lady Gaga

Also anvil.

Told ya

 Venue Boetcher Concert Hall

Located in the Denver performing arts district, it stands alone as a place for the old to escape the young, the cultured to escape the philistines, the me to escape the you.

Audience Music lovers, npr listeners, old timers, east coasters, country club members, napping children you get the idea.

These guys

This guy

Friday Again:  The Pack A.D.

Surprisingly the symphony isnt really for night owls, so with time to spare, I headed back out to catch the all female, all rock, Pack A.D.

Genre  Riot Grrrl

It's totally a thing, look it up.  Say you took the white stripes and turned them into women (I know, I know), you'd get the Pack A.D.  One part drums and one part guitar, they managed to pull the attention of the fairly drunk, normally aloof Hi Dive patrons, which is no small task.

Annie Leibovitz eat your heart out

Venue  The Hi Dive

Self-billed as the last dive on Broadway, and as "The hipster cave" by me, it is a great place to see a nationally touring band that isn't metal, or a jam band, for $10 or less.  Used to be $5, thanks a lot Obama.

Still the drinks are cheap, the lighting is atrocious, the bathroom is best avoided, and you're usually guaranteed at least one mediocre or better story to tell by the end of the night.

Also, nice it has a little viewing window for the side of the stage

There's that drummer

Audience  Hipsters, homeless people, and some hybrids of the two

Yup

Saturday:  The Infamous String Dusters 

Saturday night rolled around, and it was off to Colfax, Colorado's shame.  To catch a band selected on name only "The Infamous String Dusters" at the Ogden.

Genre  BlueGrass, Jam Band

Well folks, some times you strike out.  It may come as a surprise to you, but I am no fan of the Jam Band.  Granted this was a bluegrass jam band, so they had different instruments than your average phish show.  And, to be fair, they played them very well.  But, still, the Jam Band, or musical wank off as its known in Europe, proved to be quite a chore.

Also, when did Jam bands all start to look like frat boys?

Venue  The Ogden

Anyone who's lived in or around Colorado long enough has to have a soft spot for the Ogden.  They draw bigger acts than the bluebird, but at smaller and better shows than the Fillmore

Like the north star it beckons above the hookers and crack.

Audience  Hippies, as far as the eye can see.

Seriously, everything smelled of stale pot, and patchouli.  Actually, I suspect patchouli might be latin for stale pot.

No picture: just Google hippies

Tuesday:  Nekromantix at the Bluebird

Sneaking in at the last second to finish off the goal, concert number 5, the Nekromantix.  Probably the best Danish, monster themed, psychobilly band touring mid-level venues today.

Famed mostly for the singers Coffin-Bass, and ... well isn't a coffin-bass bad-ass enough?

Genre  Psychobilly

So if you're like me, and you probably aren't, you probably thought to yourself, "Nekromantix, I bet that's a goth show".  The answer is, of course, "nope, psychobilly".  Psychobilly, is an offshoot of punk music and rock-a-billy.  Think if the sex pistols and the stray cats had a baby, and that baby married it's cousin, and had another baby who became a scientologist.  Psychobilly is like the rebellious teenage son of that baby.

Venue  The Bluebird

The bluebird lives further east on Colfax away from the Ogden and dangerously close to Aurora.  It's a nice little club that you can usually see a cheap show at, any night of the week.

Also I think it was the porno theater in "Things To Do in Denver When You're Dead".

More like blue balls am I right?

Audience  Punk Rockers, Rude Girls, Meth Heads good people.  Salt of the Earth.

One of the nicer surprises in life, is that with a couple notable exceptions, the scarier a sub-culture looks the nicer they can be. 

They even let strangers in their group photos

Until next time folks.

Week 14: Dye or Shave Hair

Well here we are a quarter of the way through the year, and back on track.

This week we have Andrew doing the honors, from the fabulous new drawing location on top of the tallest building at the mall.

See that cloudy snowy weather behind him, that's a crime against nature

The result of course is a big ol' punch in the gut, slap in the face, and kick in the nuts.  That's right folks its the trifecta of awfulness.

At what point should a man question his own sanity?

Hey at least its not time consuming.

Sunday Update

Well it's Sunday and no shaving has happened nor dye has touched this curly, ever thinning, head of hair.  I've agonized over what to do, and have narrowed it down to 3 options.

To Shave or Not To Shave

I'll be honest with you friends, shaving is a terrifying thought to me for two main reasons.  What if it never grows back, and perhaps most poignantly, this poem I remember from a child ...

I thought that I had wavy hair

Until I shaved. Instead

I find that I have straight hair

and a wavy head.

-Shel Silverstein  

Seriously what if I have a creepy lumpy head?  I know knowledge is power, but maybe there are somethings we should never know.

Anyway, should I choose to shave, I would probably try to do it as part of some sort of charity.  I'm pretty sure that's a thing.  At least I saw it on the news once.

To Dye by Your Side

So that leaves us with Dye as the most likely option.  Under that we probably have a couple options.

1.  Dye a crazy color, i.e. blue

Nothing screams I'm a 35 year old man with his shit together like blue hair.

2.  Dye a normal color, i.e. brown

I once dyed my hair black and waited an eternity for it to grow out, during which I looked like an inverted skunk.  Needless to say I wasn't exactly a hit with the ladies during this time.

More or less this

Also, serious question, do I have to dye my eyebrows too?  What about other body hair?  When does the madness end?

Sooo to re-iterate, none of the options appeal to me.  And the decision will likely be a last minute one, followed by at least a week of regret.  Regret and hat wearing.

Tuesday: Dye-Day


Darlin' don't you go and cut your hair
Do you think it's gonna make him change?
"I'm just a boy with a new haircut"
And that's a pretty nice haircut
Charge it like a puzzle, 
Hit me wearin' muzzles
Hesitate to die, look around, around, 
The second drummer's drowned
His telephone is found
Pavement - Cut Your Hair


Well it happened.  I walked into my local salon slapped $50 on the counter and said give me the Burt Reynolds.

He has brown hair right?

Then after being asked to leave I found a second salon and politely asked for their help.  Then my friendly neighborhood barber (I can't bring myself to say stylist) and I set off on a hair dying journey.

It was a bonding experience

It was a surprisingly long journey as I found I have an undiscovered super power of being nearly immune to hair dye.  And yet the x-men still don't return my calls.

Finally after 3 rounds of attempted dying we tricked it with this yellow mixture.

I might have a future as a super villain though

And now for the next 6 weeks or so I have brown hair.

Lots of people take selfies in gas station bathrooms don't judge

Until next time folks.  My apologies to everyone who wanted something wilder.